I Wrote This In The Psych Ward

Saint Lukes

Today is my birthday and I was just released from the hospital. It was my first time to check into an adult mental health facility.

On my first day, the nurse yelled at the entire unit over cigarettes. She yelled about cigarettes while I looked at the ground, two floors down, wondering if the drop would kill me… I’m going to share more of my story in the days to come. But for now, I just want to say:

You can do this. You can make it through whatever you are going through! Stay one more day. I can’t promise it won’t be hell. I can’t promise you tomorrow will bring magical answers. But stay. New strength comes every morning.

If you are struggling, reach out. If your family and friends are not listening, reach out until they do! Pick up the phone and call the National Lifeline, drive to an emergency room, call 911, talk to your mom or dad, talk to your husband or wife, reach out to a teacher or a friend—anyone! Do whatever you have to do!

Because even if you don’t believe it, your life is worth the fight.

You deserve to get to the good part.

If you need support now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

If you or someone you know needs help, check out The Mighty‘s list of suicide prevention resources!

Let’s Talk About Worth

Let’s talk about worth.

Like when life goes from hard to worse and you find yourself down in the dirt like you were born to crawl.

I find myself slammed against brick walls, and the world acts like they can’t see the outlines of the bodies on the ground beneath.

Sorry, you’ve got blood on your shoes, you don’t know what it’s like to have nothing lose. Say another prayer, tell me that I matter, as you step on broken hands and walk on.

Another gold star for you!

Let’s talk about worth.

Like when life goes from hard to worse because the people you need bleed green and blue.

Hope? That’s the real joke. Sorry, I can’t afford justice like you. Poverty since birth, just a kid with a job, I know hard work.

Sleeping in school, waving goodbye to my youth as I skipped the next class because adult bills were due. And you?

Cheerleader, captain of the football team, your daddy was a millionaire, so your laziness got you into Harvard! Let’s talk about worth.

Not allowed to eat out because you’re gay or you’re black with a plastic spoon in your mouth. ‘No transgender allowed!’ Only silver.

Let’s talk about worth!

Like when life goes from hard, then it goes to worse, and you find yourself down on the ground, like you were born to crawl in the dirt! Let’s talk about worth!

I see your real value now.

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Need help? The Trevor Project, 1-866-488-7386. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). Crisis Text Line, 741-741.

This Is How Kingdoms Fall

Testing, testing, can I get mic check? Yo! I don’t know.

I’m tired of people talking like they might know me.

Looking at my love like maybe it isn’t enough; like maybe my beauty and my strength make them angry.

The red on my lips isn’t lipstick, it’s blood. Drawn from the mouths of everyone who has cared—hands half in the air, heart not really there, heads looking within. They don’t have a clue who I am, but they talk it.

Toast another fucking beer. Are you listening?

I sang a pretty song, wore a pretty skirt, damn. I guess I got the words wrong. I must’ve asked for it. Let’s have a real talk.

Empty parking lots with violent bodyguards—hear no evil, speak no evil, watch! Walk like the pain didn’t break me.

Officer, do you want me down on my knees for justice? Or should I just suck your cock? Are. you. listening?

This is how kingdoms fall, Y’all.

Kings treating queens like prisoners. Nooses strung up in the dark! Silence rooted in pain and we clap as we watch!

I won’t go. Do you hear me?

Fuck this charade. Let all the balloons float away. I will kill all of the roses to build my own hope.

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Need help? National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). RAINN, 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE).